Pron for the Blind

I once joked that I had posed for Playgirl Magazine - the Braille edition. But no joke, there is a site on which you can get your jollies helping the blind, by helping the blind get their jollies.

Were one to be so altruistic, one would watch free internet porn video clips and then create and post audio files to pornfortheblind.org. Finally! A charity to which we can all lend a helping hand.

Wired Magazine brings us the article. Out of respect for the blind and salaciously inclined, there is no picture attached to this post.

Some helpful tips to get you on your way to your new charitable cause:

Perhaps, in this one instance, it won't help your public speaking skills to picture your audience in their underwear. Or perhaps it might. The decision is entirely yours.

Pron description is not the charity for those with strong politically correct leanings. Pron is the last frontier of sexism and many other types of otherwise distasteful stereotypes. ("Pron" is the internet term for "porn", by the way.)

You can't be Polly-Anna-ish about terms, either. There is nothing like a cold dose of medical terminology or child-like euphemisms to douse the flames of passion.

There is a time and place for humor and wit. This is neither the time nor the place.

In the same vein, being too artful kills the mood. This isn't independent cinema. For example, watch Steve in Coupling squirm as he has to describe the plot of Lesbian Spank Inferno at a dinner party (at mark 3:15 in the clip).



There is a skill to describing things with the right amount, but not too much detail. No one cares about the threadcount of the sheets, for instance. Unless that has relevance to a Martha Stewart fetish, which has a prominent place in the subject matter of the video clip. There are few hard and fast rules in a situation such as this.

Effective description requires a certain amount of personal detachment. Multitasking is not a marketable skill in this instance. No, it requires a steadfast dedication to the purpose at hand.

The end-users request more women's voices, so feel free to enlist the Junior League. If you are male, using a Monty Python female voice is probably not going to help. But if you are a woman, having a Kathleen Turner-like voice is probably going to take you far.

Of course, if you are describing gay pron, the above rules do not apply. Monty Python female voices are regrettably under-appreciated here, as well. Nor would describing the scene using your best Cher imitation be appropriate.

You disagree? Watch the Maya Angelou clip from the Big Gay Sketch Show in which she reads a listing from the M4M Missed Connections section of Craigs List. Pee-yourself funny, yes, but not particularly the mood you are trying to set.

If you are one of those people who talk with their hands, give serious consideration to whether this is the charity that best utilizes your talents. Gesticulations don't record well on audio recordings, no matter how artfully rendered.

Have a speech disability but still feel the need to give? Try niche marketing. For instance, if you have a stutter, use it to your advantage by marketing it to those who are prone to "premature arrival". If you speak in a monotone, try specializing in describing old black and white pron. Be creative!

Yeah. It's probably best to leave this one off your resume.