Down in His Cups

I'd Sooner die than wear a University of Texas Longhorns t-shirt into a bar full of University of Oklahoma fans. If I did, I think I'd wear thick jeans with a protective cup.

In June 2007, Allen Becket, a 54 year-old church deacon, federal auditor, and a Sooner fan, got teste at 35 year-old Brian Thomas' choice of clothing at an Oklahoma City bar. He began taunting Thomas as soon as Thomas walked into the bar.

When Longhorn fan Thomas went to close out his bar tab, Becket grabbed Thomas' baby batter bowl. Two bar patrons tried to separate the men when Thomas felt something rip. Thomas looked down to see blood, a torn, ragged scrotum and found himself free-balling in an entirely new way.

Surgery, sixty stitches and a lot of pain later, Thomas displayed customary Texas testicular fortitude. His nad is no worse for the wear, although the Near-Steer Longhorn says that he still has scrotal pain.

Becket claims Thomas was the aggressor and that he was merely defending himself. Now the Teste Sooner is defending himself against a felony assault charge. Perhaps he should have claimed to be auditing Thomas' assets; it might have grabbed the judge's attention.

Why was Becket's strategy of first resort a ball grab? Are all church deacons so touchy, feely? Surely a black eye or broken rib comes before castration in the bar brawl manual, especially in homophobic Oklahoma.

What bar-going men everywhere want to know is what kind of shorts or pants Thomas was wearing that allowed Becket to put him in the illegal hold in the first place? No one wants to make the same mistake.

Regardless, bar patrons, down in their cups, were left shrinking from the cold reality. It does take balls to win a fight.